I moved out in September and I still remember how quiet,
empty, and sad that house felt. It was so painful and surreal to empty the
closets, clean out the kitchen, pack up our memories, and load up the truck. My
sister was there that day, and I remember her agreeing with me. That she could feel how sad it was leaving him. There was no longer going to be a wedding to celebrate our love and future
together.
When we first met, we didn't know where it was going. But a month later, he told me that he loved
me. And I could feel it. You could see it. He loved me more than anyone has ever loved
me, with every part of his body, and I never had to question it.
I left the home I had planned to have a future in. What hurt the most was that I didn't completely
know why I was leaving. I didn't have
any idea what I was doing, or why I was doing it, but I just couldn't be there
anymore. I needed to take some kind of action.
My heart was broken. And it is
still broken after all this time.
Man, I miss that man. I miss his kisses. His hugs. His smile and his laugh. I miss his arms. His cuddle.
I miss admiring him and how hard he worked; How much discipline he had.
He wasn't perfect, but his good intentions were why I loved him so much in the
first place. He was my rock. When I was
all over the place, he always had my back. I would have days when my confidence
was so low, and he would always reassure me.
It’s been nine months and I still miss him. My Smothering Love. I want to call him to talk about my day, but
I can no longer do that. How is this even possible?? We spoke everyday about everything, important
or not. I still constantly question
myself. Have I have made the right decision? I still have no idea.
Today I spoke with my Smothering Love and, afterward, I am
still struggling. But I feel more relief
about my decision. The love we had was there, but we were not ready.
He said that he knew after being with me for only six months that I wasn't happy
and he sensed I was struggling to understand my own insecurities. At the time, I wanted to better myself but felt
like I was in at a dead end being in the relationship. I couldn't focus on me, and he
didn't understand my unhappiness. Regardless
of the mistakes he and I made, he wants me to be able to love myself and be
happy with myself. He wants me to see
myself the way he sees me.
I still miss my Smothering Love. He was my partner in life. My best friend. We had similar
outlooks on life, we were attracted to each other, and everything seemed to be
the right fit. I just wasn't mentally at a place that these reasons were enough. I needed more satisfaction with my own life, my financial
and emotional stability. I just wasn't ready.
As I continue to reflect and understand things in my life, I now know why I
left and I no longer question myself. The pain is still there, but I have
confidence in my decision.
I look forward to the future as I continue on my journey of being Totally Tobi.
