My Beautiful Smothering Love

I moved out in September and I still remember how quiet, empty, and sad that house felt. It was so painful and surreal to empty the closets, clean out the kitchen, pack up our memories, and load up the truck. My sister was there that day, and I remember her agreeing with me.  That she could feel how sad it was leaving him.  There was no longer going to be a wedding to celebrate our love and future together.  

When we first met, we didn't know where it was going.  But a month later, he told me that he loved me.  And I could feel it.  You could see it.  He loved me more than anyone has ever loved me, with every part of his body, and I never had to question it.

I left the home I had planned to have a future in.  What hurt the most was that I didn't completely know why I was leaving.  I didn't have any idea what I was doing, or why I was doing it, but I just couldn't be there anymore. I needed to take some kind of action.  My heart was broken.  And it is still broken after all this time.

Man, I miss that man. I miss his kisses.  His hugs.  His smile and his laugh.   I miss his arms.  His cuddle.  I miss admiring him and how hard he worked; How much discipline he had. He wasn't perfect, but his good intentions were why I loved him so much in the first place. He was my rock.  When I was all over the place, he always had my back. I would have days when my confidence was so low, and he would always reassure me.

It’s been nine months and I still miss him.  My Smothering Love.  I want to call him to talk about my day, but I can no longer do that. How is this even possible??  We spoke everyday about everything, important or not.  I still constantly question myself.  Have I have made the right decision?  I still have no idea.

Today I spoke with my Smothering Love and, afterward, I am still struggling.  But I feel more relief about my decision. The love we had was there, but we were not ready. He said that he knew after being with me for only six months that I wasn't happy and he sensed I was struggling to understand my own insecurities.  At the time, I wanted to better myself but felt like I was in at a dead end being in the relationship. I couldn't focus on me, and he didn't understand my unhappiness.  Regardless of the mistakes he and I made, he wants me to be able to love myself and be happy with myself.  He wants me to see myself the way he sees me.

I still miss my Smothering Love. He was my partner in life.  My best friend. We had similar outlooks on life, we were attracted to each other, and everything seemed to be the right fit.  I just wasn't mentally at a place that these reasons were enough. I needed more satisfaction with my own life, my financial and emotional stability.  I just wasn't ready. As I continue to reflect and understand things in my life, I now know why I left and I no longer question myself. The pain is still there, but I have confidence in my decision.

I look forward to the future as I continue on my journey of being Totally Tobi. 

Growing Pains

nayyirah waheed 

you.

not wanting me.

was

the beginning of me

wanting myself.

thank you.

— the hurt

Read my older blog first!!! I'm still trying to understand how to blog so please be patient with me. :)

As my last year of my 20s is coming closer, I feel like I have learned the most this year than any other. I know not everyone can relate completely with me, but everyone has gone through their share of ups and down, or had a time when they have felt let down and disappointed. I think one of the more important things that has an effect on our future, is how we handle negative situations that happens in our lives, being able to learn from things that could potentially bring you down and obtaining and using the coping skills to help us grow positively from it. 

I wanted to share what I have learned in my experiences in my life with relationships and understanding each other. I thought I was on the right track with my life plan, I was suddenly blindsided and the world I thought I knew was thrown upside down, it is crazy how one person can have such a huge impact on your life. My engagement, my home, what I knew and loved didn't make sense to me anymore, I questioned myself constantly.  

Going through a break up helped me realize that I was already miserable with myself before it even happened. I felt like I was just going in circles with my life. I have learned that I am stubborn, guarded, self-centered, and skeptical of everyone and this has led to me not having healthy normal relationships with people because I did not make the effort to get to know or have a connection with them. I have learned that I truly need to be a stronger person. Now I am more aware of myself, and having these connections is not the total solution but it has helped me grow more and appreciate the people I surround myself with. I have started a journey in reflection of my life and instead of calling it a negative situation, I look it as a small hiccup in my journey. It is not until now that I understood what it meant to focus on myself, I am finally learning how to do that as I continue my journey to being Totally Tobi.